How I found my own “Why” in times of complete darkness

how i found why

We are often looking for an answer to the question: how to succeed? Think for a moment, and ask yourself, how many times have you searched for answers to questions such as: why am I doing this; what is my “why”, my motivation; what is my “why” that will push me on when I only have self-doubt? Have you found the answers? Keep reading to find out how I found my “why” that saved my life.

In my presentations, after I tell people that the “why” is more important than the “how to”, I often get asked the following question: “So, what is your “why”, Miha?” Well, here is the biggest “why” that helped me get through a very dark phase.

As a matter of fact, I have many “whys” in my life. Each and every one of them helps me stay determined in certain situations.

But a while ago, this wasn’t exactly the case. It was December 2009. My companies and my whole life fell apart, so I entered into a terrible depression. My days were full of anxiety, loss of hope and I was considering suicide.

I can still remember smoking a cigarette on the 4th floor, looking down and thinking how easy it could be to just throw myself down and end it all because I couldn’t see the light.

Thinking such a thhow i found whying is the lowest I have ever been. In the following months, it would surprise me to find myself still alive, since everyday was harder and harder than the previous one.  It’s a pretty satirical point of view but my inner monologue basically was “will I even be alive next month?”

It is extremely strange to think about it now, that my life has changed so dramatically. I make plans two or three months in advance. Back then, I wouldn’t even plan anything because I didn’t know if I’d be alive that far ahead.

The “why” that got me out…

There was one huge reason that helped me to get back on my feet. And, ironically, it involves one of the stupidest things I ever did. In one of my four companies, there was a big multimillion project for which I had to go to the bank and get a credit for. When you ask for such a huge amount, they ask you for collaterals, so I put everything that I owned. But not only that, I went and asked my mom if she could be a guarantee as well with a mortgage on her house.

I’m always telling people to never do something as stupid as this. If you can’t get the credit, don’t put your personal things –important things– at risk like that. You might end up losing everything.

In reality, though, this was the awful thing to do but, in the end, it was what saved me. I’m not sure if I’d still be alive now if it hadn’t been for that mistake. I probably would have killed myself if it hadn’t been for that mortgage.

To think about my mom and what would have happened to her tortured me so much! She was retired without a big pension. If I didn’t solve the problem, there would be nothing left for her. She could even end up in the streets! I didn’t want to let that happen at all.

So I stood up, step by step, and carried on. That was the reason that gave me strength. I couldn’t afford to think about suicide anymore. I wouldn’t just leave my mom like that. That was my choice. I thought then “I just need to buckle up and push myself and solve the shit that I caused because this is my fault.” I took the responsibility and fought to make things better again.

Yes, it was stupid to do such a thing as to risk my mom’s house in the first place. But I think that by now we know that mistakes make us stronger and wiser. I took this and made it my “why”. It pushed me forward and that’s how I’m here now.

Find your “why”

There’s no point in life if you don’t have something to fight for. All kinds of struggle are based on hope. Here, I give a little advice on how to find your reason.

This was my story, but how are you going to make your own story?

About the Author Miha Matlievski

Breaking taboo called FAILURE by talking openly about it, sharing my fail stories and lessons that I learned on my way back from hell. I had four successful companies that at one time all went bankrupt. You could say that I went from hero to zero. But I managed to survive! Down that road I became Fail Coach not by degree but by failing personally and professionally, learning from my failures and growing. If you are looking for a coach try not to find one with shiny diploma hanging on his wall but one that has personally gone to hell and back.

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